text; attack of the info dump

[alienates]

OK SO EVERYONE, LISTEN UP. I HAVE SOME PRETTY IMPORTANT NEWS HERE.
AND I MEAN *ACTUALLY* IMPORTANT. STOP FEEDING THOSE DIGITAL CATS FOR TWO SECONDS AND READ THIS.

ANYWAY, SO I'M SURE EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT NAOKO'S GROUP OVER AT THAT ISLAND WITH THE VOLCANO.
AND HOW SHE MENTIONED SOME WAR THAT EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS SAD EXCUSE OF A UNIVERSE IS HAVING.
OR AT LEAST I ASSUME YOU ALL KNOW? A LOT OF YOU ARE NEW SO I HAVE NO CLUE HOW CAUGHT UP YOU GUYS ARE?
SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL, EVERY TIME I BLINK THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE FALLING OUT OF THE SKY OR SOMETHING DRAMATIC.
JUST CHILL WITH THESE ENTRANCES?
OK SO BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND, WHICH I WILL REPEAT, IS PRETTY USEFUL INFORMATION TO KNOW SO DON'T JUST SKIP OVER READING THIS BECAUSE IT'S ME TALKING.
DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE.

FIRST OF ALL, I AM JUST GOING TO STATE THAT I AM DISAPPOINTED IN EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US WHO HAVE BEEN HERE SINCE WE DISCOVERED THAT ISLAND.
WHY DIDN'T ANY OF US THINK TO OURSELVES, "HM, THAT NAOKO LADY SURE IS BEING DODGY ABOUT TELLING US ABOUT THIS WAR. WHY DON'T WE ASK OUR FUCKING AI TO SEE IF SHE KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT IT?"
I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY *I* EVENTUALLY DID IT, SO YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THAT?
TO EVERYONE WHO GAVE ME A LECTURE BECAUSE I WAS APPARENTLY NOT DOING ENOUGH TO HELP THIS BASE, PLEASE IMAGINE ME STICKING BOTH OF MY MIDDLE FINGERS UP IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION.
AND HOLD THAT VISUAL FOR THE REST OF THIS EXPLANATION.

OK SO THERE'S THIS RACE CALLED THE KHARAA AND THEY ARE FUCKING EVERYTHING UP.
THEY'RE MICROSCOPIC, POSSIBLY BACTERIAL BUT WHO THE FUCK EVEN KNOWS? WE SURE DON'T!
BASICALLY THEY SALVAGE BIOLOGICAL AND GENETIC MATERIAL FROM THE PLANETS THEY CONQUER, CREATING HOSTS FOR THEMSELVES.
IT'S PRETTY CREEPY? LET'S SAY THEY TAKE OVER, SHIT, I DON'T KNOW, HINATA? HE'D BE PERFECTLY AWARE THAT HE USED TO BE HUMAN BUT HE'D JUST NO LONGER GIVE ANY TYPE OF FUCK BECAUSE OF THE KHARAA INFLUENCE.
(AUTHOR'S NOTE: AS FAR AS I AM AWARE, HINATA IS NOT POSSESSED BY EVIL TINY ALIENS.)
WHEN THERE'S A LOT OF THEM IN ONE LOCATION, IT'LL LOOK LIKE MOSS OR ALGAE.
WHICH, I KNOW, COMPLETELY FUCKING HELPFUL WHEN WE'RE STUCK ON A WATER PLANET WHERE ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING LOOKS LIKE ALGAE.
ACCORDING TO BOTH NAOKO AND URSULA, THERE IS NO KNOWN WAY TO BEAT THEM AND EVERYONE WHO IS FIGHTING THEM IS LOSING THIS WAR.

WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH US, OBVIOUSLY, AS WE'RE NOT FROM HERE AND ARE CURRENTLY STRANDED ON THIS PLANET.
OH BTW, ALL THOSE THEORIES YOU GUYS HAD ABOUT THIS PLANET BEING SENTIENT? PAT YOURSELVES ON YOUR BACK AND GIVE YOURSELVES A COOL MEDAL.
IT'S WHY THEY KEEP SENDING SHIPS HERE TO TERRAFORM.
THEY SWITCHED TACTICS FROM "TRYING TO BEAT THE KHARAA" TO "RUNNING AS FAR AWAY FROM THE KHARAA AS POSSIBLE" WHICH MEANS FINDING NEW PLANETS TO SETTLE.
I BELIEVE NAOKO USED THE ANALOGY OF LITTLE FISH HIDING UNDERNEATH SHARKS TO HIDE FROM OTHER PREDATORS.
INIIDAE IS FUCKED UP AND HAS A BILLION THINGS THAT WANT TO KILL US, BUT APPARENTLY THAT'S PREFERABLY TO THE KHARAA. HURRAY.
ANYWAY, SINCE THIS PLANET HAS NATURAL DEFENSES (LIKE THE PULSE THAT KEEPS SHOOTING DOWN SHIPS), IT'S CONSIDERED ONE OF THE MORE VIABLE OPTIONS TO GET AWAY FROM THEM.
NAOKO SAID THAT THEY ONLY WANT TO USE A SMALL SECTION OF THE PLANET AND TERRAFORM IT.
PROBABLY BECAUSE IF THEY TRY TO EXPAND TOO MUCH THEN THE PLANET WOULD THROW A HISSY FIT AND ATTEMPT TO KILL EVERYONE.
I DON'T KNOW. GOD, INIIDAE SUCKS?
BUT *THAT'S* WHY URSULA WANTS US TO TERRAFORM THE PLANET.
NOT THAT SHE'S REALLY BEEN FORCING US TO DO ANYTHING, ACTUALLY.
CONSIDERING HOW HIGH PRIORITY THIS MISSION SEEMS TO BE, SHE IS PRETTY CHILL ABOUT US... DOING EVERYTHING EXCEPT TERRAFORMING.

I'M NOT TELLING YOU ALL THIS FOR EVERYONE TO START FREAKING OUT AND PREPARE TO GO TO BATTLE OR ANYTHING.
AS OF NOW, WE HAVE NO REASON TO BELIEVE THE KHARAA ARE ON THIS PLANET.
IF ANY OF THEIR SHIPS CAME, THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN SHOT DOWN JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHER ONES.
APPARENTLY THEY CAN'T DO MUCH WITHOUT HOST BODIES? AND PRESUMABLY WHATEVER HOST BODIES THEY'D BE IN WHEN CRASH LANDING AFTER THEIR SHIPS HAVE BEEN SHOT DOWN WOULD END UP DYING ON IMPACT.
YOU KNOW, SINCE MOST THINGS DO AFTER FALLING OUT OF THE SKY IN SOMETHING THAT IS PROBABLY ON FIRE.
WHICH, I WILL ONCE AGAIN REITERATE, IS *IF* THEY SOMEHOW ENDED UP HERE. WE HAVE NO EVIDENCE THAT SUGGESTS THAT SO DON'T FREAK OUT. OK? OK.
I GUESS, IF YOU WANT TO BE CAREFUL, DON'T GO POKING AT MOSS? I'M NOT SURE WHY YOU WOULD EVEN WANT TO DO THAT ANYWAY, BUT I CAN'T BE CERTAIN OF THE INTELLIGENCE LEVEL OF EVERY INDIVIDUAL IN THIS BASE.
I JUST THOUGHT YOU WOULD ALL BE INTERESTED IN WHY EVERYONE ELSE SEEMS TO KEEP COMING TO THIS PLANET EVEN THOUGH IT'S APPARENTLY THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE OF SPACE.
BTW CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN THAT REFERENCE TO ME? I STILL DON'T GET IT. BE MORE INCLUSIVE, ASSHOLES, NOT ALL OF US ARE FROM EARTH.

OH. RIGHT. ALSO DIRK WAS THERE TOO.
AND HE GOT SOME MORE SPECIFIC INFO ON ISHMAEL? YOU KNOW, THAT MILITARY AI THAT MAY OR MAY NOT CAUSE A PROBLEM FOR US.
HE'S APPARENTLY MADE OUT OF NANITES AND CAN TELEPORT ANYWHERE ON THE PLANET.
AND CAN MAKE HIMSELF WEAPONS, CHANGE HIS SHAPE AND SIZE, AND SHIT. AWESOME.
FROM WHAT WE'VE GATHERED, ISHMAEL IS THEIR BEST AND LAST DEFENSE AGAINST THE KHARAA ASIDE FROM RUNNING AWAY LIKE SCARED WIGGLERS.
HE IS ON THIS PLANET SOMEWHERE, SO WE MIGHT END UP RUNNING INTO HIM EVENTUALLY?
NAOKO SEEMED PRETTY CERTAIN THAT HE WOULDN'T HAVE SUSTAINED ANY DAMAGE FROM THE CRASH AND THE TIME HE HAS SPENT HERE SINCE THEN.
SHE ALSO SAID THAT HE WON'T ATTACK ANY HUMANS SINCE HE'S PROGRAMMED TO PROTECT THEM?
SO I GUESS... CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS TO ALL OF YOU WHO ARE ACTUALLY HUMAN.

( ooc: these two are the threads in question where he and dirk talks to them if you want to see what exactly was said. all of this info is gonna be added to their database after this post so crew members can look it up if they want. )

Comments

[alienates]

I'M PRETTY SURE A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT SHE'S TALKING ABOUT BUT THEY JUST NOD THEIR HEAD ANYWAY.

I MEAN, I PERSONALLY WOULD NOT COME HERE.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF PLANETS WHERE YOU CAN'T STEP OUTSIDE FOR FIVE MINUTES WITHOUT HAVING A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE?
WHY COULDN'T THIS BE LIKE A PLANET OF COTTON CANDY OR SOMETHING INSTEAD OF AN OCEAN.

[oneandmikleonly]

at least everything is not mutating into new and hellish forms

i hope

wait have you been on a lot of planets?

[alienates]

YEAH.
MOST OF THEM WERE BULLSHIT?
AND BY MOST I MEAN ALL OF THEM, INCLUDING THE ONE WE ARE CURRENTLY ON.
I WAS ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO BE GOING TO SOME NEW ONE BUT I CAME HERE INSTEAD.

1/2

[oneandmikleonly]

i think you're the most oddly unwilling and cranky explorer i've ever met but you're also really thoughtful

[oneandmikleonly]

i'm sorry

i meant to edit that to be more polite but hit the button too soon

[alienates]

HONESTLY I DON'T EVEN MIND.
THAT WAS THE MOST POLITELY I HAVE EVER BEEN INSULTED.

[oneandmikleonly]

it wasn't even meant to be an insult

:(

[alienates]

OH GOD.
YOU ARE TOO NICE.

[oneandmikleonly]

i can't tell if that's sarcastic or not in text this is harder than i thought

[alienates]

I WOULD NOT WASTE SARCASM ON SOMEONE WHO WOULD NOT GET IT, TRUST ME.
YOU ACTUALLY ARE LIKE... NICE.
IT'S WEIRD.

[oneandmikleonly]

are people usually not?

[alienates]

A LOT OF THEM ARE ASSHOLES.
OR HAVE ASSHOLE TENDENCIES.
BUT SO FAR YOU'VE BEEN STUCK AT 0% ON THE ASSHOLE METER.

[oneandmikleonly]

wow

no actually wow

i feel really complimented right now thanks

[alienates]

NOW I CAN'T TELL IF YOU'RE BEING SARCASTIC OR NOT??

[oneandmikleonly]

no that was actually nice

if it were meant to be sarcastic i think i'd actually just tell you to your face, that seems easier all around

[alienates]

OH TRUST ME, IT DEFINITELY IS.
I USE THAT METHOD ALL THE TIME.
SOME PEOPLE PREFER SARCASM AND NOT GETTING STRAIGHT TO THE POINT THOUGH?
IT'S OBNOXIOUS.

[oneandmikleonly]

ok i'm glad we reached an understanding about it before it got awkward though

texting is very new to me still! so thanks for the opportunity? as well as the info

[alienates]

YOU TYPED JUST FINE FOR A NEWBIE.

[oneandmikleonly]

i mean the nuances of it! actually just putting words on the screen is easy but it some ways it's like a whole new language

[alienates]

OH THAT'S TRUE.
I HAVE HAD A LOT OF REALLY TERRIBLE CONVERSATIONS ONLINE BECAUSE OF PEOPLE MISREADING THE TONE OF THE 2D TEXT.
BUT A VERY LARGE AMOUNT OF MY CONVERSATIONS WITH PEOPLE HAVE BEEN THROUGH CHAT CLIENTS, WHICH...
PROBABLY EXPLAINS A LOT NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT. WOW.

[oneandmikleonly]

that sounds really difficult!

why couldn't you meet in person, though? did you live a long way away from each other?

[alienates]

WE DID SEE EACH OTHER BUT.
THERE WERE A LOT OF US, AND WE ALL HAD DIFFERENT SHIT WE WERE DEALING WITH.
AND SOMETIMES NOT THAT AWESOME THINGS HAPPENED WHEN WE MET UP IN PERSON?
MY FRIENDS COULD GET A LITTLE EXTREME SOMETIMES.
BUT THEN SOME SHIT HAPPENED AND WE SAW EACH OTHER ALL THE TIME.
AND I STARTED TO MISS ONLY TALKING TO THEM ON THE COMPUTER.

[oneandmikleonly]

okay yeah i think i know that feeling but not quite with computers

normally three other people live in sorey's head and we get into squabbles a lot when we're all together

i really miss them but also if they all popped out of the ocean and crowded right back into our space today it would drive me up the wall

something like that?

[alienates]

[ finally, something that actually makes karkat pause and go "what the fuck"

you did it, you outweirded homestuck. ]

YEAH I GUESS.
I MEAN WITHOUT THE LIVING IN EACH OTHER'S HEADS?
YOU LIVE IN SOREY'S HEAD?

[oneandmikleonly]

yeah

sorry i know it sounds weird. it IS weird

it's a thing seraphs do in the human world, we tend to have to live in things that are pure to not get messed up

or people but that's a lot rarer

makes it easier to look after him though. don't tell him i said that part