text; attack of the info dump

[alienates]

OK SO EVERYONE, LISTEN UP. I HAVE SOME PRETTY IMPORTANT NEWS HERE.
AND I MEAN *ACTUALLY* IMPORTANT. STOP FEEDING THOSE DIGITAL CATS FOR TWO SECONDS AND READ THIS.

ANYWAY, SO I'M SURE EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT NAOKO'S GROUP OVER AT THAT ISLAND WITH THE VOLCANO.
AND HOW SHE MENTIONED SOME WAR THAT EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS SAD EXCUSE OF A UNIVERSE IS HAVING.
OR AT LEAST I ASSUME YOU ALL KNOW? A LOT OF YOU ARE NEW SO I HAVE NO CLUE HOW CAUGHT UP YOU GUYS ARE?
SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL, EVERY TIME I BLINK THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE FALLING OUT OF THE SKY OR SOMETHING DRAMATIC.
JUST CHILL WITH THESE ENTRANCES?
OK SO BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND, WHICH I WILL REPEAT, IS PRETTY USEFUL INFORMATION TO KNOW SO DON'T JUST SKIP OVER READING THIS BECAUSE IT'S ME TALKING.
DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE.

FIRST OF ALL, I AM JUST GOING TO STATE THAT I AM DISAPPOINTED IN EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US WHO HAVE BEEN HERE SINCE WE DISCOVERED THAT ISLAND.
WHY DIDN'T ANY OF US THINK TO OURSELVES, "HM, THAT NAOKO LADY SURE IS BEING DODGY ABOUT TELLING US ABOUT THIS WAR. WHY DON'T WE ASK OUR FUCKING AI TO SEE IF SHE KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT IT?"
I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY *I* EVENTUALLY DID IT, SO YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THAT?
TO EVERYONE WHO GAVE ME A LECTURE BECAUSE I WAS APPARENTLY NOT DOING ENOUGH TO HELP THIS BASE, PLEASE IMAGINE ME STICKING BOTH OF MY MIDDLE FINGERS UP IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION.
AND HOLD THAT VISUAL FOR THE REST OF THIS EXPLANATION.

OK SO THERE'S THIS RACE CALLED THE KHARAA AND THEY ARE FUCKING EVERYTHING UP.
THEY'RE MICROSCOPIC, POSSIBLY BACTERIAL BUT WHO THE FUCK EVEN KNOWS? WE SURE DON'T!
BASICALLY THEY SALVAGE BIOLOGICAL AND GENETIC MATERIAL FROM THE PLANETS THEY CONQUER, CREATING HOSTS FOR THEMSELVES.
IT'S PRETTY CREEPY? LET'S SAY THEY TAKE OVER, SHIT, I DON'T KNOW, HINATA? HE'D BE PERFECTLY AWARE THAT HE USED TO BE HUMAN BUT HE'D JUST NO LONGER GIVE ANY TYPE OF FUCK BECAUSE OF THE KHARAA INFLUENCE.
(AUTHOR'S NOTE: AS FAR AS I AM AWARE, HINATA IS NOT POSSESSED BY EVIL TINY ALIENS.)
WHEN THERE'S A LOT OF THEM IN ONE LOCATION, IT'LL LOOK LIKE MOSS OR ALGAE.
WHICH, I KNOW, COMPLETELY FUCKING HELPFUL WHEN WE'RE STUCK ON A WATER PLANET WHERE ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING LOOKS LIKE ALGAE.
ACCORDING TO BOTH NAOKO AND URSULA, THERE IS NO KNOWN WAY TO BEAT THEM AND EVERYONE WHO IS FIGHTING THEM IS LOSING THIS WAR.

WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH US, OBVIOUSLY, AS WE'RE NOT FROM HERE AND ARE CURRENTLY STRANDED ON THIS PLANET.
OH BTW, ALL THOSE THEORIES YOU GUYS HAD ABOUT THIS PLANET BEING SENTIENT? PAT YOURSELVES ON YOUR BACK AND GIVE YOURSELVES A COOL MEDAL.
IT'S WHY THEY KEEP SENDING SHIPS HERE TO TERRAFORM.
THEY SWITCHED TACTICS FROM "TRYING TO BEAT THE KHARAA" TO "RUNNING AS FAR AWAY FROM THE KHARAA AS POSSIBLE" WHICH MEANS FINDING NEW PLANETS TO SETTLE.
I BELIEVE NAOKO USED THE ANALOGY OF LITTLE FISH HIDING UNDERNEATH SHARKS TO HIDE FROM OTHER PREDATORS.
INIIDAE IS FUCKED UP AND HAS A BILLION THINGS THAT WANT TO KILL US, BUT APPARENTLY THAT'S PREFERABLY TO THE KHARAA. HURRAY.
ANYWAY, SINCE THIS PLANET HAS NATURAL DEFENSES (LIKE THE PULSE THAT KEEPS SHOOTING DOWN SHIPS), IT'S CONSIDERED ONE OF THE MORE VIABLE OPTIONS TO GET AWAY FROM THEM.
NAOKO SAID THAT THEY ONLY WANT TO USE A SMALL SECTION OF THE PLANET AND TERRAFORM IT.
PROBABLY BECAUSE IF THEY TRY TO EXPAND TOO MUCH THEN THE PLANET WOULD THROW A HISSY FIT AND ATTEMPT TO KILL EVERYONE.
I DON'T KNOW. GOD, INIIDAE SUCKS?
BUT *THAT'S* WHY URSULA WANTS US TO TERRAFORM THE PLANET.
NOT THAT SHE'S REALLY BEEN FORCING US TO DO ANYTHING, ACTUALLY.
CONSIDERING HOW HIGH PRIORITY THIS MISSION SEEMS TO BE, SHE IS PRETTY CHILL ABOUT US... DOING EVERYTHING EXCEPT TERRAFORMING.

I'M NOT TELLING YOU ALL THIS FOR EVERYONE TO START FREAKING OUT AND PREPARE TO GO TO BATTLE OR ANYTHING.
AS OF NOW, WE HAVE NO REASON TO BELIEVE THE KHARAA ARE ON THIS PLANET.
IF ANY OF THEIR SHIPS CAME, THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN SHOT DOWN JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHER ONES.
APPARENTLY THEY CAN'T DO MUCH WITHOUT HOST BODIES? AND PRESUMABLY WHATEVER HOST BODIES THEY'D BE IN WHEN CRASH LANDING AFTER THEIR SHIPS HAVE BEEN SHOT DOWN WOULD END UP DYING ON IMPACT.
YOU KNOW, SINCE MOST THINGS DO AFTER FALLING OUT OF THE SKY IN SOMETHING THAT IS PROBABLY ON FIRE.
WHICH, I WILL ONCE AGAIN REITERATE, IS *IF* THEY SOMEHOW ENDED UP HERE. WE HAVE NO EVIDENCE THAT SUGGESTS THAT SO DON'T FREAK OUT. OK? OK.
I GUESS, IF YOU WANT TO BE CAREFUL, DON'T GO POKING AT MOSS? I'M NOT SURE WHY YOU WOULD EVEN WANT TO DO THAT ANYWAY, BUT I CAN'T BE CERTAIN OF THE INTELLIGENCE LEVEL OF EVERY INDIVIDUAL IN THIS BASE.
I JUST THOUGHT YOU WOULD ALL BE INTERESTED IN WHY EVERYONE ELSE SEEMS TO KEEP COMING TO THIS PLANET EVEN THOUGH IT'S APPARENTLY THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE OF SPACE.
BTW CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN THAT REFERENCE TO ME? I STILL DON'T GET IT. BE MORE INCLUSIVE, ASSHOLES, NOT ALL OF US ARE FROM EARTH.

OH. RIGHT. ALSO DIRK WAS THERE TOO.
AND HE GOT SOME MORE SPECIFIC INFO ON ISHMAEL? YOU KNOW, THAT MILITARY AI THAT MAY OR MAY NOT CAUSE A PROBLEM FOR US.
HE'S APPARENTLY MADE OUT OF NANITES AND CAN TELEPORT ANYWHERE ON THE PLANET.
AND CAN MAKE HIMSELF WEAPONS, CHANGE HIS SHAPE AND SIZE, AND SHIT. AWESOME.
FROM WHAT WE'VE GATHERED, ISHMAEL IS THEIR BEST AND LAST DEFENSE AGAINST THE KHARAA ASIDE FROM RUNNING AWAY LIKE SCARED WIGGLERS.
HE IS ON THIS PLANET SOMEWHERE, SO WE MIGHT END UP RUNNING INTO HIM EVENTUALLY?
NAOKO SEEMED PRETTY CERTAIN THAT HE WOULDN'T HAVE SUSTAINED ANY DAMAGE FROM THE CRASH AND THE TIME HE HAS SPENT HERE SINCE THEN.
SHE ALSO SAID THAT HE WON'T ATTACK ANY HUMANS SINCE HE'S PROGRAMMED TO PROTECT THEM?
SO I GUESS... CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS TO ALL OF YOU WHO ARE ACTUALLY HUMAN.

( ooc: these two are the threads in question where he and dirk talks to them if you want to see what exactly was said. all of this info is gonna be added to their database after this post so crew members can look it up if they want. )

Comments

text.

[wearys]

tl;dr

[alienates]

BLOCKED.

Re: text.

[gnasher]

you can copy+paste it into another document and make it lowercase.

text

[sparrowfeather]

do you expect me to read all this

like can i just get a quick summary or

[alienates]

BLOCKED.

[oneandmikleonly]

what a mess

are nonhumans in serious trouble or what

also did she mention how much a small section is actually because we keep finding settlement efforts besides ours all over the place and it would be nice not to be eaten by a planet because everyone roaming around on it built one thing too many

[alienates]

NAOKO THINKS WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO GET HIM TO PROTECT EVERYONE ELSE TOO?
PROBABLY? IMAGINE ME DOING THAT WEIRD AIR QUOTE THING RIGHT NOW.
BECAUSE I AM DOING THEM.

SHE DIDN'T SAY.
BUT I DOUBT ANY OF THE PEOPLE WHO LANDED HERE LANDED WHERE THEY INTENDED?
SO I GUESS THAT EXPLAINS WHY ALL THE BASES AND SHIPS ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE.

[imsorey]

I HAVE A QUESTION

I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS DO YOU WANT ME TO ASK IN PERSON OR TEXT YOU

[alienates]

I'M IN MY ROOM BUT I CAN MEET UP WHEREVER YOU ARE?

ADDENDUM

[splinten]

Karkat left out that Naoko believes we can try to communicate with ISHMAEL and explain the situations with our non-humans. She is of the opinion that he's intelligent enough to understand and extend his protection to you.
Of course, that necessitates coming into direct contact with ISHMAEL, which has its own risks, if he hasn't given us a flyover already.
Given that we're peaceful and have shown no signs of harming one another, I doubt he'd consider any of our non-humans a threat of any kind. We need to look into it to safeguard all our crew, but I don't think we need to be immediately alarmed about him harming any of us.
Unless anyone is planning a killing spree.

[alienates]

I'M JUST GOING TO SAY RIGHT NOW.
THAT IF ANYONE DOES, IN FACT, GO ON A KILLING SPREE.
IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU JUST JINXED US AFTER SAYING THAT.

[inject]

The summary is appreciated. Thank you for making it public. We don't want the uneducated masses to remain that way.

[ Though the text might read as sarcastic, Valentine is actually appreciative. Wow!! ]

[alienates]

I KNOW A BUNCH OF PEOPLE HERE ARE INTO BEING ALL SECRETIVE.
I'M NOT GOING TO NAME ANY NAMES, BUT LIKE. THEY KNOW WHO THEY ARE.
ANYWAY, I'M PERSONALLY A FAN OF LETTING EVERYONE KNOW SO PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE DOING CAN PROBABLY TRY TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

[onethousen]

These Kharaa are the opposite of caring.

[ JUST... SAYING................ THE OBVIOUS because what else is she going to say at first

other than "okay"

"that's terrifying for reasons not just involving tiny bacterial world destroyers" ]

Thank you for letting everyone know about these things. Um, so you were saying the Kharaa probably aren't here. If they were, would the planet really know? I guess I also don't get a lot of this, and I'm new here, so I'm sorry if I ask really dumb questions. Has anyone been able to talk to um. Iniidae?

[ The strange part is all of this makes about as much sense as people being turned into pigs and working in a bath house to prevent the people she loves from being eaten and having names stolen so that you can't remember all of who you were. Bacterial world conquerors? Thinking worlds? Artificial Intelligences who probably need to learn to apply the friend label to waaaay more people than they have so far?

Trading modern fantasy for science fiction isn't so different as she might have thought, oh, two days ago. ]

[alienates]

I THINK IF THEY MAKE ENOUGH NOISE THEN THE PLANET MIGHT NOTICE?
IT HAS APPARENTLY NOTICED WE'RE HERE.
I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA, I'M NOT A PLANET WHISPERER.
ALL WE REALLY KNOW FOR SURE IS THAT IF THEY WERE HERE, THEN THEY'D BE STUCK LIKE WE ARE.

AND NO.
WAIT.
WE HAVE SPOKEN TO HORRORTERRORS THAT MIGHT REPRESENT THE PLANET?
IDK HOW THAT WORKED OUT, I WASN'T ONE OF THE ONES THERE WHEN THAT HAPPENED.

[voidkatini]

[ yes yes aliens and whatnot she is very proud of her future son-in-law for this very informative memo. ]

cool cool
jus t 1 queshion
that i
mustache u









r they cute

[alienates]

OH MY FUCKING GOD ROXY.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FLIRT WITH THE FUCKING KHARAA?

1/2. text.

[highflights]

Do we know what the Kharaa's ships look like, at least?

2/2.

[highflights]

[ a few moments later, ]

The Bermuda Triangle is a part of the ocean where several civilian and military planes and ships disappear under mysterious circumstances. People think it's because of supernatural or alien activity.

text

[gnasher]

is anyone working on some kind of kharaa detection technology? like a metal detector for out in the water or a body scanner?

[alienates]

THAT MIGHT BE KIND OF HARD TO DO IF WE DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WE'RE SCANNING FOR.

[goafk]

WHY ARE YOU YELLING

but besides that, thanks for this! it explains a lot ^_^
can i do anything to help

[alienates]

THIS IS JUST HOW I TYPE. IT'S MY QUIRK.

FOR NOW I GUESS JUST TRY TO FIND AS MUCH DATA AS YOU CAN?
ESPECIALLY FROM PREVIOUS CREWS.
THE ONLY REASON I WAS ABLE TO FIND OUT ANY OF THIS INFO WAS BECAUSE I FOUND THE DIARY OF ONE OF THE SURVIVORS OF A CRASH, WHO IS PROBABLY DEAD NOW BUT.

text

[checkoutmyttk]

[Kon has so many questions, but most importantly—]

You do know there's a lowercase button right??? Also have other people been making that Bermuda triangle joke because I totally thought I was being original. [#priorities.]

Re: text

[gnasher]

fwd: you can copy+paste it into another document and make it lowercase.

text.

[intranslatability]

Thank you for the summary. It's quite informative and certainly catches one's eye when they see it.

Anyways I suppose its safe to assume that, for now, the main concern with ISHMAEL to keep an eye out for them. I do agree with the idea of attempting contact with him. Better to make it clear we come in peace.

The Kharaa are far more pressing - Does anyone know any other way to identify them or have a theory of how to distinguish them from natural moss/algae?

[alienates]

PEOPLE HAVE A COUPLE OF DIFFERENT SUGGESTIONS.
WITHOUT ANY ACTUAL KHARAA AROUND IT'S NOT LIKE WE CAN SUCCESSFULLY TEST ANY OF THEM OUT THOUGH?
I MEAN, WE CAN MAKE ATTEMPTS.

[potentite]

Well dang.

[This is Jake's usual reaction to really bad shit.]

Good news I guess is that we're not fucked yet. That's always a positive!

[alienates]

UNLESS WE ARE ALREADY FUCKED AND JUST DON'T KNOW IT YET.
THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD POSSIBILITY GIVEN OUR AMAZING LUCKY STREAK.

text

[smileyfaced]

[This is all new information to Chara and they read it over carefully. It's a little tough since it's all caps, but they adjust halfway into the first paragraph. The planet being sentient makes sense and, little by little, what they experienced in the dreamworld is starting to connect.

If you're running from something dangerous, it's best to go find something strong to put between you and your pursuer.

But they don't say any of this. Instead, they send this to Karkat:]

[alienates]

[lightbulbvampire]

This Is Quite Troubling I Suppose That We Will Have To Come Up With Countermeasures For All Of This

[alienates]

YEAH, EVERYONE IS ALREADY ATTEMPTING TO WORK ON IT.
IT'S FUNNY THAT TO FINALLY GET PEOPLE TO WANT TO DO WORK IS TO THREATEN THEM WITH A POSSIBLE ALIEN INVASION.
WHICH IS IRONIC FOR VERY OBVIOUS REASONS, I THINK.

[trainees]

hey thanks for the info

if anyone comes across any suspicious looking algae
we can test it out in the labs?
i know it's risky bringing it onto the base
but i guess the sooner we can figure out what they're made of the sooner we could come up with some kind of vaccine
alternatively i could also figure out some kind of portable kit
we could test the algae or moss on the islands and cross reference them

anyway that ISHMAEL guy sounds like a bag of cats

[alienates]

[ ok there is a lot of very important things peter just said, but karkat has to focus on the most important part first. ]

WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE CATS IN A BAG?

[tentaculled]

Thank you for sharing, Karkat-kun. I wonder why Naoko-san was withholding so much of this information from us. Seeing as we've already landed on the planet and have our own base, keeping us out of the loop doesn't seem to have any purpose.

[ huh. well, he can always go and ask her, he supposes... if she'd talk to an alien-looking fella like himself. ]

In any case, I suppose we should try to find ISHMAEL next. Either that, or a sample of the Kharaa.

[alienates]

I DON'T KNOW IF SHE JUST TRUSTS US MORE NOW?
BECAUSE I REMEMBER WHEN WE SPOKE TO HER THE FIRST TIME, SHE REFUSED TO ELABORATE ON ANYTHING ABOUT THE WAR EXCEPT FOR TELLING US THERE WAS ONE.
BUT THIS TIME SHE DIDN'T HESITATE TO EXPLAIN?
SO WE EITHER WON HER OVER OR SHE IS FICKLE.
OR BOTH.

HOW BIG IS THIS PLANET ANYWAY?
THAT'D MAKE SEARCHING FOR ALL OF THIS MUCH EASIER.

text;

[superseding]

Thank you for sharing all this information.

Do you think someone taken over by the Kharaa would act like the Light Frogs but be more proactive? That makes it an even scarier thought. I'm sorry.

I know that you said the Kharaa aren't on Iniidae, but if Kharaa make humans their hosts, what do you think Ishmael would do? Would he... take care of those humans? What would be his priority?

[ Theoretically, what would happen to her, as someone already possessed by a genocidal alien? ]

[alienates]

HONESTLY?
I'M PRETTY SURE HE WOULD STILL ATTACK THEM SINCE HE WAS SPECIFICALLY BUILT TO FIGHT THE KHARAA.
AND THE PEOPLE WHO BUILT HIM, AND EVERYONE ELSE IN THE UNIVERSE, DO NOT BELIEVE THERE'S A WAY TO SAVE SOMEONE AFTER THEY'VE BECOME A HOST.
SO GOING BY THAT LOGIC, ISHMAEL WOULD MOST LIKELY NOT BELIEVE THAT PERSON IS EVEN HUMAN ANYMORE, RIGHT?

SHIT. THAT'S FUCKED UP.

[splasher]

[why is nothing ever good news]

i guess we're alright for now
should we be doing more terraforming?

[also, important:]

why are you yelling?

[alienates]

IT GRABBED YOUR ATTENTION, DIDN'T IT?

AND I GUESS WE SHOULD TERRAFORM?
IF THAT'S A THING PEOPLE WANT TO DO.

[emblazes]

How many enemies do we have exactly? I'm not talking numbers.

[alienates]

1. KHARAA, WHICH IS STILL ??? SINCE WE DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW IF THEY'LL BE A PROBLEM FOR US OR NOT.
2. ISHMAEL, WHO WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO CONVINCE TO BE ON OUR SIDE.
3. HUGE ASS FUCKING HORRORTERROR SEA MONSTER BULLSHIT.
4. OUR OWN HUBRIS, PROBABLY, OR SOMETHING DUMB.