text; attack of the info dump

[alienates]

OK SO EVERYONE, LISTEN UP. I HAVE SOME PRETTY IMPORTANT NEWS HERE.
AND I MEAN *ACTUALLY* IMPORTANT. STOP FEEDING THOSE DIGITAL CATS FOR TWO SECONDS AND READ THIS.

ANYWAY, SO I'M SURE EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT NAOKO'S GROUP OVER AT THAT ISLAND WITH THE VOLCANO.
AND HOW SHE MENTIONED SOME WAR THAT EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS SAD EXCUSE OF A UNIVERSE IS HAVING.
OR AT LEAST I ASSUME YOU ALL KNOW? A LOT OF YOU ARE NEW SO I HAVE NO CLUE HOW CAUGHT UP YOU GUYS ARE?
SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL, EVERY TIME I BLINK THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE FALLING OUT OF THE SKY OR SOMETHING DRAMATIC.
JUST CHILL WITH THESE ENTRANCES?
OK SO BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND, WHICH I WILL REPEAT, IS PRETTY USEFUL INFORMATION TO KNOW SO DON'T JUST SKIP OVER READING THIS BECAUSE IT'S ME TALKING.
DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE.

FIRST OF ALL, I AM JUST GOING TO STATE THAT I AM DISAPPOINTED IN EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US WHO HAVE BEEN HERE SINCE WE DISCOVERED THAT ISLAND.
WHY DIDN'T ANY OF US THINK TO OURSELVES, "HM, THAT NAOKO LADY SURE IS BEING DODGY ABOUT TELLING US ABOUT THIS WAR. WHY DON'T WE ASK OUR FUCKING AI TO SEE IF SHE KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT IT?"
I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY *I* EVENTUALLY DID IT, SO YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THAT?
TO EVERYONE WHO GAVE ME A LECTURE BECAUSE I WAS APPARENTLY NOT DOING ENOUGH TO HELP THIS BASE, PLEASE IMAGINE ME STICKING BOTH OF MY MIDDLE FINGERS UP IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION.
AND HOLD THAT VISUAL FOR THE REST OF THIS EXPLANATION.

OK SO THERE'S THIS RACE CALLED THE KHARAA AND THEY ARE FUCKING EVERYTHING UP.
THEY'RE MICROSCOPIC, POSSIBLY BACTERIAL BUT WHO THE FUCK EVEN KNOWS? WE SURE DON'T!
BASICALLY THEY SALVAGE BIOLOGICAL AND GENETIC MATERIAL FROM THE PLANETS THEY CONQUER, CREATING HOSTS FOR THEMSELVES.
IT'S PRETTY CREEPY? LET'S SAY THEY TAKE OVER, SHIT, I DON'T KNOW, HINATA? HE'D BE PERFECTLY AWARE THAT HE USED TO BE HUMAN BUT HE'D JUST NO LONGER GIVE ANY TYPE OF FUCK BECAUSE OF THE KHARAA INFLUENCE.
(AUTHOR'S NOTE: AS FAR AS I AM AWARE, HINATA IS NOT POSSESSED BY EVIL TINY ALIENS.)
WHEN THERE'S A LOT OF THEM IN ONE LOCATION, IT'LL LOOK LIKE MOSS OR ALGAE.
WHICH, I KNOW, COMPLETELY FUCKING HELPFUL WHEN WE'RE STUCK ON A WATER PLANET WHERE ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING LOOKS LIKE ALGAE.
ACCORDING TO BOTH NAOKO AND URSULA, THERE IS NO KNOWN WAY TO BEAT THEM AND EVERYONE WHO IS FIGHTING THEM IS LOSING THIS WAR.

WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH US, OBVIOUSLY, AS WE'RE NOT FROM HERE AND ARE CURRENTLY STRANDED ON THIS PLANET.
OH BTW, ALL THOSE THEORIES YOU GUYS HAD ABOUT THIS PLANET BEING SENTIENT? PAT YOURSELVES ON YOUR BACK AND GIVE YOURSELVES A COOL MEDAL.
IT'S WHY THEY KEEP SENDING SHIPS HERE TO TERRAFORM.
THEY SWITCHED TACTICS FROM "TRYING TO BEAT THE KHARAA" TO "RUNNING AS FAR AWAY FROM THE KHARAA AS POSSIBLE" WHICH MEANS FINDING NEW PLANETS TO SETTLE.
I BELIEVE NAOKO USED THE ANALOGY OF LITTLE FISH HIDING UNDERNEATH SHARKS TO HIDE FROM OTHER PREDATORS.
INIIDAE IS FUCKED UP AND HAS A BILLION THINGS THAT WANT TO KILL US, BUT APPARENTLY THAT'S PREFERABLY TO THE KHARAA. HURRAY.
ANYWAY, SINCE THIS PLANET HAS NATURAL DEFENSES (LIKE THE PULSE THAT KEEPS SHOOTING DOWN SHIPS), IT'S CONSIDERED ONE OF THE MORE VIABLE OPTIONS TO GET AWAY FROM THEM.
NAOKO SAID THAT THEY ONLY WANT TO USE A SMALL SECTION OF THE PLANET AND TERRAFORM IT.
PROBABLY BECAUSE IF THEY TRY TO EXPAND TOO MUCH THEN THE PLANET WOULD THROW A HISSY FIT AND ATTEMPT TO KILL EVERYONE.
I DON'T KNOW. GOD, INIIDAE SUCKS?
BUT *THAT'S* WHY URSULA WANTS US TO TERRAFORM THE PLANET.
NOT THAT SHE'S REALLY BEEN FORCING US TO DO ANYTHING, ACTUALLY.
CONSIDERING HOW HIGH PRIORITY THIS MISSION SEEMS TO BE, SHE IS PRETTY CHILL ABOUT US... DOING EVERYTHING EXCEPT TERRAFORMING.

I'M NOT TELLING YOU ALL THIS FOR EVERYONE TO START FREAKING OUT AND PREPARE TO GO TO BATTLE OR ANYTHING.
AS OF NOW, WE HAVE NO REASON TO BELIEVE THE KHARAA ARE ON THIS PLANET.
IF ANY OF THEIR SHIPS CAME, THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN SHOT DOWN JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHER ONES.
APPARENTLY THEY CAN'T DO MUCH WITHOUT HOST BODIES? AND PRESUMABLY WHATEVER HOST BODIES THEY'D BE IN WHEN CRASH LANDING AFTER THEIR SHIPS HAVE BEEN SHOT DOWN WOULD END UP DYING ON IMPACT.
YOU KNOW, SINCE MOST THINGS DO AFTER FALLING OUT OF THE SKY IN SOMETHING THAT IS PROBABLY ON FIRE.
WHICH, I WILL ONCE AGAIN REITERATE, IS *IF* THEY SOMEHOW ENDED UP HERE. WE HAVE NO EVIDENCE THAT SUGGESTS THAT SO DON'T FREAK OUT. OK? OK.
I GUESS, IF YOU WANT TO BE CAREFUL, DON'T GO POKING AT MOSS? I'M NOT SURE WHY YOU WOULD EVEN WANT TO DO THAT ANYWAY, BUT I CAN'T BE CERTAIN OF THE INTELLIGENCE LEVEL OF EVERY INDIVIDUAL IN THIS BASE.
I JUST THOUGHT YOU WOULD ALL BE INTERESTED IN WHY EVERYONE ELSE SEEMS TO KEEP COMING TO THIS PLANET EVEN THOUGH IT'S APPARENTLY THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE OF SPACE.
BTW CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN THAT REFERENCE TO ME? I STILL DON'T GET IT. BE MORE INCLUSIVE, ASSHOLES, NOT ALL OF US ARE FROM EARTH.

OH. RIGHT. ALSO DIRK WAS THERE TOO.
AND HE GOT SOME MORE SPECIFIC INFO ON ISHMAEL? YOU KNOW, THAT MILITARY AI THAT MAY OR MAY NOT CAUSE A PROBLEM FOR US.
HE'S APPARENTLY MADE OUT OF NANITES AND CAN TELEPORT ANYWHERE ON THE PLANET.
AND CAN MAKE HIMSELF WEAPONS, CHANGE HIS SHAPE AND SIZE, AND SHIT. AWESOME.
FROM WHAT WE'VE GATHERED, ISHMAEL IS THEIR BEST AND LAST DEFENSE AGAINST THE KHARAA ASIDE FROM RUNNING AWAY LIKE SCARED WIGGLERS.
HE IS ON THIS PLANET SOMEWHERE, SO WE MIGHT END UP RUNNING INTO HIM EVENTUALLY?
NAOKO SEEMED PRETTY CERTAIN THAT HE WOULDN'T HAVE SUSTAINED ANY DAMAGE FROM THE CRASH AND THE TIME HE HAS SPENT HERE SINCE THEN.
SHE ALSO SAID THAT HE WON'T ATTACK ANY HUMANS SINCE HE'S PROGRAMMED TO PROTECT THEM?
SO I GUESS... CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS TO ALL OF YOU WHO ARE ACTUALLY HUMAN.

( ooc: these two are the threads in question where he and dirk talks to them if you want to see what exactly was said. all of this info is gonna be added to their database after this post so crew members can look it up if they want. )

Comments

[highflights]

Yes. We both can.

[alienates]

[ ugh. he's so mad that he can't fly, such bullshit. ]

THAT'LL BE USEFUL.
WE DON'T HAVE A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO CAN SO IT'LL BE NICE TO HAVE MORE PEOPLE WHO CAN FLY OTHERS AROUND IN CASE WE NEED IT.

[highflights]

I'm pretty strong, too, so if you need to take a team somewhere fast you can pile into something and I'll carry you guys.

[alienates]

[ that sounds even worse than normal carrying?? karkat may die of embarrassment. time to switch topics. ]

OK SO WHEN YOU SAY "PRETTY STRONG" WHAT'S THE APPROXIMATE RANGE THERE?
PRETTY STRONG AS IN YOU'RE VERY GOOD AT OPENING JARS?

[highflights]

I've carried a plane.

[alienates]

[ karkat knows what that is from movies!! thank u romcoms. ]

OH.
...
SO IN THAT CASE YOU *ARE* GOOD AT OPENING JARS.

[highflights]

Something like that, yeah :D

[alienates]

.........
HOW BIG WAS THE PLANE?????

[highflights]

I don't know? I didn't get a good look at it and the units of measurement on Earth are hard to get used to.

[alienates]

OK SO WHAT IF WE WENT AROUND AND LOOKED FOR A SHIP THAT WAS THE APPROXIMATE SIZE OF THE PLANE.
AND THEN YOU PICKED IT UP AND CARRIED IT.
YOU KNOW, FOR SCIENCE.

1/2

[highflights]

[highflights]

I could try lifting something else that's a lot easier to find?

[alienates]

OK.
YOU RUN A HARD BARGAIN, BUT I AM A MAN WHO IS WILLING TO COMPROMISE.
ALTHOUGH IF YOU EVER SO HAPPENED TO FIND SOMETHING THAT'S THE SIZE OF A PLANE.
DON'T HESITATE TO LET ME KNOW.
I'LL BE HERE.
WAITING TO BE CONTACTED.

[highflights]

[ it's a strange request, but harmless enough. ]

Sure, I'll call you first.

[alienates]

[ listen.... it sounds really cool. karkat has seen a lot of bullshit powers at work over the years, but this one is something he actually wants to see? ]

GREAT. IT'S A DATE.
...
NOT AN ACTUAL DATE, THAT'S JUST A FIGURE OF SPEECH.
IT WILL BE A DATE AS IN, WE WILL BE DOING THIS ON A DATE THAT FALLS ON THE CALENDAR YEAR.

[ karkat stop talking ]

[highflights]

[ this is adorable ]

Actually, in my culture, that isn't just a figure of speech. You need to bring me a chocolate dessert and tell me your favourite colour.

[alienates]

OH MY GOD.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BAKE.

[ THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM HERE but if karkat tries to ignore his embarrassment and gently switch topics then maybe. he can talk to kara again after this and not hide in shame forever. ]

[highflights]

[ she should probably feel bad because he honestly seems really sweet but, ]

Don't forget any syrup or icing. Chop-chop.

[alienates]

[ subtle topic change: failed. ]

WE DON'T EVEN HAVE ICING!!

[highflights]

I was joking, Karkat. You don't have to get me anything :)

[alienates]

WOW, OK.
I CAN GET YOU SOMETHING IF I WANT?
SOMETHING THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE ICING BECAUSE I STILL HAVE NO CLUE IF THAT IS A THING WE HAVE FIGURED OUT HERE.

[highflights]

If you want. It doesn't have to be dessert.

We should probably make that a priority after we find this Ishmael.

[alienates]

[ honestly karkat forgot about the ai during the chocolate talk. that has been one of the main problems of everyone in the base so far... they are too easily distracted. ]

I KIND OF THINK THAT HE MIGHT END UP FINDING US BEFORE WE LOCATE HIM.
IT'S A BIG PLANET AND HE CAN BE ANY SIZE HE WANTS. IF HE WANTS TO HIDE FROM US HE CAN PROBABLY DO SO PRETTY EASILY.

[highflights]

Then we should lure him out. If he won't be diplomatic, we'll have an idea of what we're up against.

[alienates]

I'M GUESSING THAT HE MIGHT SHOW UP IF ENOUGH PEOPLE ARE AROUND.
SINCE HIS MAIN FUNCTION IS SUPPOSED TO BE PROTECTING HUMANS.
AND AS FAR AS I'M AWARE, WE HAVE THE HIGHEST CONCENTRATION OF HUMANS ON THIS PLANET.