text; attack of the info dump

[alienates]

OK SO EVERYONE, LISTEN UP. I HAVE SOME PRETTY IMPORTANT NEWS HERE.
AND I MEAN *ACTUALLY* IMPORTANT. STOP FEEDING THOSE DIGITAL CATS FOR TWO SECONDS AND READ THIS.

ANYWAY, SO I'M SURE EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT NAOKO'S GROUP OVER AT THAT ISLAND WITH THE VOLCANO.
AND HOW SHE MENTIONED SOME WAR THAT EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS SAD EXCUSE OF A UNIVERSE IS HAVING.
OR AT LEAST I ASSUME YOU ALL KNOW? A LOT OF YOU ARE NEW SO I HAVE NO CLUE HOW CAUGHT UP YOU GUYS ARE?
SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL, EVERY TIME I BLINK THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE FALLING OUT OF THE SKY OR SOMETHING DRAMATIC.
JUST CHILL WITH THESE ENTRANCES?
OK SO BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND, WHICH I WILL REPEAT, IS PRETTY USEFUL INFORMATION TO KNOW SO DON'T JUST SKIP OVER READING THIS BECAUSE IT'S ME TALKING.
DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE.

FIRST OF ALL, I AM JUST GOING TO STATE THAT I AM DISAPPOINTED IN EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US WHO HAVE BEEN HERE SINCE WE DISCOVERED THAT ISLAND.
WHY DIDN'T ANY OF US THINK TO OURSELVES, "HM, THAT NAOKO LADY SURE IS BEING DODGY ABOUT TELLING US ABOUT THIS WAR. WHY DON'T WE ASK OUR FUCKING AI TO SEE IF SHE KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT IT?"
I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY *I* EVENTUALLY DID IT, SO YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THAT?
TO EVERYONE WHO GAVE ME A LECTURE BECAUSE I WAS APPARENTLY NOT DOING ENOUGH TO HELP THIS BASE, PLEASE IMAGINE ME STICKING BOTH OF MY MIDDLE FINGERS UP IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION.
AND HOLD THAT VISUAL FOR THE REST OF THIS EXPLANATION.

OK SO THERE'S THIS RACE CALLED THE KHARAA AND THEY ARE FUCKING EVERYTHING UP.
THEY'RE MICROSCOPIC, POSSIBLY BACTERIAL BUT WHO THE FUCK EVEN KNOWS? WE SURE DON'T!
BASICALLY THEY SALVAGE BIOLOGICAL AND GENETIC MATERIAL FROM THE PLANETS THEY CONQUER, CREATING HOSTS FOR THEMSELVES.
IT'S PRETTY CREEPY? LET'S SAY THEY TAKE OVER, SHIT, I DON'T KNOW, HINATA? HE'D BE PERFECTLY AWARE THAT HE USED TO BE HUMAN BUT HE'D JUST NO LONGER GIVE ANY TYPE OF FUCK BECAUSE OF THE KHARAA INFLUENCE.
(AUTHOR'S NOTE: AS FAR AS I AM AWARE, HINATA IS NOT POSSESSED BY EVIL TINY ALIENS.)
WHEN THERE'S A LOT OF THEM IN ONE LOCATION, IT'LL LOOK LIKE MOSS OR ALGAE.
WHICH, I KNOW, COMPLETELY FUCKING HELPFUL WHEN WE'RE STUCK ON A WATER PLANET WHERE ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING LOOKS LIKE ALGAE.
ACCORDING TO BOTH NAOKO AND URSULA, THERE IS NO KNOWN WAY TO BEAT THEM AND EVERYONE WHO IS FIGHTING THEM IS LOSING THIS WAR.

WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH US, OBVIOUSLY, AS WE'RE NOT FROM HERE AND ARE CURRENTLY STRANDED ON THIS PLANET.
OH BTW, ALL THOSE THEORIES YOU GUYS HAD ABOUT THIS PLANET BEING SENTIENT? PAT YOURSELVES ON YOUR BACK AND GIVE YOURSELVES A COOL MEDAL.
IT'S WHY THEY KEEP SENDING SHIPS HERE TO TERRAFORM.
THEY SWITCHED TACTICS FROM "TRYING TO BEAT THE KHARAA" TO "RUNNING AS FAR AWAY FROM THE KHARAA AS POSSIBLE" WHICH MEANS FINDING NEW PLANETS TO SETTLE.
I BELIEVE NAOKO USED THE ANALOGY OF LITTLE FISH HIDING UNDERNEATH SHARKS TO HIDE FROM OTHER PREDATORS.
INIIDAE IS FUCKED UP AND HAS A BILLION THINGS THAT WANT TO KILL US, BUT APPARENTLY THAT'S PREFERABLY TO THE KHARAA. HURRAY.
ANYWAY, SINCE THIS PLANET HAS NATURAL DEFENSES (LIKE THE PULSE THAT KEEPS SHOOTING DOWN SHIPS), IT'S CONSIDERED ONE OF THE MORE VIABLE OPTIONS TO GET AWAY FROM THEM.
NAOKO SAID THAT THEY ONLY WANT TO USE A SMALL SECTION OF THE PLANET AND TERRAFORM IT.
PROBABLY BECAUSE IF THEY TRY TO EXPAND TOO MUCH THEN THE PLANET WOULD THROW A HISSY FIT AND ATTEMPT TO KILL EVERYONE.
I DON'T KNOW. GOD, INIIDAE SUCKS?
BUT *THAT'S* WHY URSULA WANTS US TO TERRAFORM THE PLANET.
NOT THAT SHE'S REALLY BEEN FORCING US TO DO ANYTHING, ACTUALLY.
CONSIDERING HOW HIGH PRIORITY THIS MISSION SEEMS TO BE, SHE IS PRETTY CHILL ABOUT US... DOING EVERYTHING EXCEPT TERRAFORMING.

I'M NOT TELLING YOU ALL THIS FOR EVERYONE TO START FREAKING OUT AND PREPARE TO GO TO BATTLE OR ANYTHING.
AS OF NOW, WE HAVE NO REASON TO BELIEVE THE KHARAA ARE ON THIS PLANET.
IF ANY OF THEIR SHIPS CAME, THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN SHOT DOWN JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHER ONES.
APPARENTLY THEY CAN'T DO MUCH WITHOUT HOST BODIES? AND PRESUMABLY WHATEVER HOST BODIES THEY'D BE IN WHEN CRASH LANDING AFTER THEIR SHIPS HAVE BEEN SHOT DOWN WOULD END UP DYING ON IMPACT.
YOU KNOW, SINCE MOST THINGS DO AFTER FALLING OUT OF THE SKY IN SOMETHING THAT IS PROBABLY ON FIRE.
WHICH, I WILL ONCE AGAIN REITERATE, IS *IF* THEY SOMEHOW ENDED UP HERE. WE HAVE NO EVIDENCE THAT SUGGESTS THAT SO DON'T FREAK OUT. OK? OK.
I GUESS, IF YOU WANT TO BE CAREFUL, DON'T GO POKING AT MOSS? I'M NOT SURE WHY YOU WOULD EVEN WANT TO DO THAT ANYWAY, BUT I CAN'T BE CERTAIN OF THE INTELLIGENCE LEVEL OF EVERY INDIVIDUAL IN THIS BASE.
I JUST THOUGHT YOU WOULD ALL BE INTERESTED IN WHY EVERYONE ELSE SEEMS TO KEEP COMING TO THIS PLANET EVEN THOUGH IT'S APPARENTLY THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE OF SPACE.
BTW CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN THAT REFERENCE TO ME? I STILL DON'T GET IT. BE MORE INCLUSIVE, ASSHOLES, NOT ALL OF US ARE FROM EARTH.

OH. RIGHT. ALSO DIRK WAS THERE TOO.
AND HE GOT SOME MORE SPECIFIC INFO ON ISHMAEL? YOU KNOW, THAT MILITARY AI THAT MAY OR MAY NOT CAUSE A PROBLEM FOR US.
HE'S APPARENTLY MADE OUT OF NANITES AND CAN TELEPORT ANYWHERE ON THE PLANET.
AND CAN MAKE HIMSELF WEAPONS, CHANGE HIS SHAPE AND SIZE, AND SHIT. AWESOME.
FROM WHAT WE'VE GATHERED, ISHMAEL IS THEIR BEST AND LAST DEFENSE AGAINST THE KHARAA ASIDE FROM RUNNING AWAY LIKE SCARED WIGGLERS.
HE IS ON THIS PLANET SOMEWHERE, SO WE MIGHT END UP RUNNING INTO HIM EVENTUALLY?
NAOKO SEEMED PRETTY CERTAIN THAT HE WOULDN'T HAVE SUSTAINED ANY DAMAGE FROM THE CRASH AND THE TIME HE HAS SPENT HERE SINCE THEN.
SHE ALSO SAID THAT HE WON'T ATTACK ANY HUMANS SINCE HE'S PROGRAMMED TO PROTECT THEM?
SO I GUESS... CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS TO ALL OF YOU WHO ARE ACTUALLY HUMAN.

( ooc: these two are the threads in question where he and dirk talks to them if you want to see what exactly was said. all of this info is gonna be added to their database after this post so crew members can look it up if they want. )

Comments

[alienates]

I'M PRETTY SURE THAT DEPENDS ON HOW THEY'RE PROGRAMMED.
SO YOU WOULD HAVE TO ASK THE ASSHOLE WHO MADE HER ON WHAT HER LIMITATIONS ARE.
HE'S PROBABLY DEAD THOUGH SO GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
SHE PUT HERSELF IN SLEEP MODE AFTER HER LAST CREW DIED AND WOKE UP WHEN WE STARTED ARRIVING.

[onethousen]

Oh... I didn't know that's how it works. No one would be able to program her differently? It sounds like she got really sad last time.

How long ago was that?

[alienates]

WE HAVE PEOPLE WHO WORK ON HER.
DIRK IS THE LEAD PROGRAMMER ON THE BASE.
BUT IDK HOW MUCH OF HER CODING HE CAN CHANGE?

[ karkat does not actually know anything about this kind of thing even though he insists that he does. ]

A REALLY, REALLY, *REALLY* LONG TIME AGO.

[onethousen]

[ chihiro is just like. i must ask all these people with names i don't know questions.

i must figure these people out??? ]

That's... sad. For both her missing crew, and for URSULA. I wouldn't want to be lonely like that for such a long time.

[alienates]

I GUESS.
SHE'S PRETTY HAPPY NOW THOUGH.

[onethousen]

She's not alone anymore. I feel like that would make a lot of different people happier, no matter who they are.

[alienates]

SURE.
CAN WE TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE?
URSULA IS NOT MY FAVORITE TOPIC.

[onethousen]

Sure, okay! What do you want to talk about?

[alienates]

SHIT, I DON'T KNOW.
ANYTHING ELSE?
THE RANGE OF POSSIBLE TOPICS IS PRETTY LARGE HERE.

[onethousen]

[ karkat you will regret leaving any conversation up to the ten year old human??? ]

Okay. Then... what's your favourite colour?

[ SHE ASKED YOU FOR A REASON, KARKAT. BECAUSE THIS IS HER FALLBACK PLAN? ]

[alienates]

OK I DON'T LIKE THIS TOPIC EITHER.
PICK SOMETHING ELSE.

[onethousen]

[ KARKAT PLEASE ]

If you don't like it, wouldn't it be better if you picked a topic you do want to talk about? I don't want to keep making you unhappy...

[alienates]

NO.
IT'S MUCH EASIER IF YOU DID IT.
YOU HAVE TO KNOW MORE THAN JUST TWO TOPICS.

[onethousen]

I don't think I get how this is easier.

How old are you? Have you gone to school? What do you think of dragons? Do you play sports? What kinds of things do you like to read? What's your favourite game? What foods do you like? What foods don't you like? What do you like best about being here? Do you like action movies? Have you seen movies before? Do you have a lot of good friends? Have you ever been flying?

I can ask about all kinds of things. It doesn't mean I know any of the things you'd want to talk about though.

[alienates]

I'M 7.4 SWEEPS OLD. THE FUCK IS A SCHOOL. DRAGONS ARE OK. SPORTSBALL SEEMS STUPID. ROMANCE NOVELS. I'VE DECIDED TO STAY AWAY FROM GAMES FOR THE TIME BEING. I LIKE COTTON CANDY, I AM NOT A FAN OF PIE. I HATE BEING HERE. ACTION MOVIES ARE FOR NERDS. YES, I'VE SEEN MOVIES. UM. I'VE BEEN FLYING, UNFORTUNATELY.

SEE? ALL ANSWERED.

[onethousen]

[ but why not colours was that just too basic (no, child, but you would not know) but welcome to blocktext response??? ]

How many human years are in a sweep? School is a place that young humans go from six years old until fifteen at least, but usually seventeen or eighteen. We're taught language, science, math, physical health, and have club activities when we're older. Is sportsball your word for all sports or just the ones with balls involved? Track is a sport and so is kendo so what do you call those? What kind of romance novels are your favourites? Does that mean all games, like hide and seek and old maid and video games? Cotton candy is pretty good. I haven't had all that much pie. I'm sorry. What makes action movies for nerds? I thought they were more for people who like big booms. Um? Why was it an unfortunate experience?

... Um was an answer to having good friends?

[alienates]

SHIT, I DON'T KNOW? IT'S WEIRD MATH. THE HUMAN EQUIVALENT TO 7.4 IS 16 THOUGH. SCHOOL SOUNDS DUMB. SPORTSBALL IS SPORTS. I'LL READ ANY TYPE OF ROMANCE NOVEL. AND YES, ALL GAMES. COTTON CANDY IS FUCKING AMAZING AND I JUST GOT TURNED OFF FROM PIE. ACTION MOVIES ARE JUST AN INFERIOR FORM OF ENTERTAINMENT. FLYING IS JUST SHIT BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE CAN BUT I CAN'T.

NO COMMENT.

[onethousen]

Oooh, so you're six human years older than me!

If I find any romance novels that are new I'll make sure to bring them to you though.

Flying's also way more fun with a friend, I think. I also can't fly, but I've had friends who could before.

And I hope you do have good friends, and if you're not sure, well, you probably do. Or you can make some, if that's what you're ready to do!

[alienates]

WOW, YOU'RE STILL A WIGGLER.

UH. THANKS? FOR THE NOVELS. THAT IS A THING YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO.

I STILL THINK IT'S BULLSHIT.

FRIENDSHIP IS A DISEASE.

[onethousen]

That's an interesting word for kid-aged.

You're welcome! I don't need to, I guess, but I'd like to. You helped us by getting all this information out, even if I don't understand it all. So I'd like to try and do something nice in return.

[ she starts to suspect he might partly be jealous of the whole flying thing, as she reflects on it... ]

Oh... Have you been really hurt by friends before?

[alienates]

IT'S WHAT WE CALL THEM ON MY PLANET.

OK. [ he doesn't know what else to say to that??? most people have just been making fun of his typing quirk or strictly talking business with him lmao so people being genuinely nice is weird.

also he is 100% jealous of the flying thing. ]

I MEAN... YES? FRIENDSHIP IS JUST WEIRD THOUGH. IT'S EMBARRASSING.

[onethousen]

[ huh. she wonders if he means that literally? ]

Is there only one language on your planet?

Mm... I don't think I've heard anyone say friendship feels like that before. What do you mean? What part about friendship is embarrassing to you?

[ trying to get it while patently Not Getting It ]

[alienates]

WE SPOKE ALTERNIAN THERE.

[ although he somehow... knew... english?? homestuck never explained how that worked so VAGUE SHRUGGING GOES HERE. ]

THE WHOLE PART WHERE PEOPLE SAY NICE THINGS TO YOU AND ATTEMPT TO TALK ABOUT LIKE
FEELINGS?
LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT?

[onethousen]

[ look it's weird his world has just one language? it's pretty cool, but also the opposite of Earth. she wonders how complex the language is on the other hand. gosh... probably very. ]

I think that's part of caring about other people. You want to talk about hwo they're feeling or say nice things about them. Which can be embarrassing, that's true.

I mean, it's not all just that? Sometimes friends have to tell you hard to hear things. They're there to help you get through those hard things too, even if they're not right there. You do your best for them, and they do their best for you. So friendship has embarrassing and not as embarrassing parts. It kind of all comes together.

[alienates]

[ it looks like the wingdings font tbh. ]

OK BUT.
LITERALLY EVERYTHING YOU JUST SAID RIGHT NOW WAS EMBARRASSING.
IF WE WERE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION IN PERSON I WOULD HAVE STUCK MY FINGERS IN MY EARS.